I am dead. And it's bothersome. It's been plaguing me the past two weekends. They sometimes infect the weekdays too. Yes, whenever there's time to kill, there's also that nagging thought that there is simply nothing left for me here except that which was willed by the Almighty to be done.

Not even the best movies or best worldly books can erase this longing feeling to come home to the Father and escape the agony of living a soul so dead to the world. It is quite unbearable at times but I have no choice but to bear it.

Such vague feelings of emptiness filled only in moments of intimate communion with the Holy Spirit as during my bible reading time or when I listen to bro. Eli. This death on a daily scale is a consequence of my choice. I embraced it knowing there's nothing to resist at all.
You see, I'm dead and happy to be so. It's dreadful to be sure but I know of no other way to be alive in Christ. And I can't afford to be undead for it is no longer I who lives in me but Christ.

"To die is gain; to live is Christ", so says the bible.

Having understood it more clearly now, I am less melancholic knowing that this too was made for a Christian to bear.